Live your best life, sober and happy.
Mastering your own recovery is how you master your life. Because with the skills you learn on a journey of personal development will allow you to master every area of your life.
Regardless what you are recovering from, you have to take action and start solving a host of problems.
Remember, drinking (or sex, gambling, food, drugs, shopping) is a symptom.
The real problem is the underlying discomfort that pushes you to self-medicate the feelings that you otherwise don’t know how to cope with.
First: Feelings come and go.
We all feel a thousand different emotions throughout the day. Some last for a few seconds, some might linger a while and become a mood.
But they come and go.
I say this first because I want you to be clear on this. We have a tendency, especially with negative feelings, to act like it's going to last the rest of our lives.
But what is FACT about feelings?
It all passes. Your bad feelings and moods...
You’re cruising along in your day feeling good, just minding your business, when all of a sudden the thought of a drink pops in your head.
Where the heck did that come from?
You don’t want to drink- you understand it tried to ruin your life and you don’t do it well- but now the thought is in your head, and it's getting bigger.
Maybe you can control it now.
You could drink today and no one would even know.
You could just have one, that’s easy to hide.
Well, here’s the deal- cravings are totally normal.
Having a craving doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that you are doing sobriety wrong- it doesn’t mean you are weak or that your program isn’t working- in fact, cravings are, largely, a learned response.
Meaning, we condition ourselves to associate certain things with drinking.
When you think about certain places, people, or events, you connect those things...
We've all had that stuck feeling in our lives. Like we are on a rollercoaster and can't make it stop... up... and down... and all around...
When the spiral gets bad enough you decide in a moment of desperation that you simply can't live like this anymore. You have to change.
It doesn't matter if it's drugs or alcohol, food, or relationships. When you hit that rock bottom moment and understand you can't keep doing things the way you've been doing them, you figure out a solution and take action.
The problem is, change isn't easy and it's definitely not fast.
Maybe you don't feel like change is happening fast enough, or you feel like you're doing it wrong, or you feel like it's so hard that you want to give up. Before you know it, you end up right back where you started. Rock bottom.
And you decide again that you have to change... you have to do it differently this time... and this time has to be different.
There's someone in your life who has made the brave choice to leave the party life behind and you are so proud of them!
But when it comes time to buy gifts for someone who stopped drinking it can make you sit back and scratch your head.
We live in a world that revolves around alcohol. Drink to celebrate, drink to be sophisticated, drink with dinner, drink after a long day, drink for anxiety, drink for sadness, drink to connect with friends, drink to have fun... drink, drink, drink.
There are boxes of yummy chocolate candy filled with your favorite sweet liqueurs, champagne flavored gummy bears and liquor infused ice cream. Only for those 21 and over, of course.
Stores serve wine while you shop, your favorite coffee shop is offering a few wine and beer selections and, WTF?!?
My gym is serving beer now
As the rest of the world swirls down to the bottom of the bottle, some of us just want to enjoy our alcohol-free lives and give amazing gifts we love and...
For those of us who love to constantly improve ourselves it's good to know there is no shortage of information on the internet to keep us busy getting healthy. Mentally, and physically.
In my blog and article research one day I came across this fantastic article on Medium, and decided to share it with my audience.
If you want to listen to the podcast episode, you'll find a player right above this post , or, you can find it here.
Creating a life you love doesn’t happen overnight.
Unfortunately, we are so wired for instant gratification that when we don’t get instant results we easily fall into complaining about how hard everything is and, usually, give up and stop trying.
But before you can start creating the life of your dreams, you have to get some clarity on what you want your life to look like.
The numbers are staggering.
70% of adults in the U.S., or 223.4 million people, have experienced some type of traumatic experience at least once in their lives.
There is a definite correlation between trauma and addiction, and it's a cycle that feeds itself. Exposure to trauma has been linked to substance abuse, and people with substance abuse disorders are more likely to experience trauma. And the cycle continues...
Substance >> trauma>> trauma >> substance...
The connection between SUDs and trauma span a wide range of populations, types of trauma, and types of SUDs. For example:
The difference between sobriety and recovery. Not many people think about it in this way, but these two things are not the same.
For me, I had to get sober before I could recover and I think this is true for most people.
Sobriety is stopping the substance.
In twelve steps, it is recommended that you don’t make any major life changes in your first year of sobriety.
It's not because we have some overwhelming desire to control you and your life. It's because in your first year you want your focus and energy to go into NOT DRINKING. Period.
I’m not talking about changes like changing your toothpaste. But big changes like starting or ending a relationship, a new job, moving to a new city- these changes disrupt your life and routine. They can also create additional stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and general discomfort.
You don't want situations and activities that are going to cause you to have high highs, or low lows. You want to stay even, because highs and lows...
I've worked with people for all kinds of things, setting job goals and creating strategy around that, recovering from a divorce and starting life over, recovering from significant weight loss and building self esteem in that new life, empty nesters recovering from children and adapting to a new way of life and figuring out what that's going to look like... all of it is a process of recovery, growth and change.
And right now, especially because of this pandemic, we're all having to do a lot of adapting to a new lifestyle.
Through all of the work I've done, with myself and my clients, I consistently see the same mistake.
You wonder why your choices aren't working out for you.
You start to second guess your every decision because it seems like you are always wrong or screwing things up.
It feels like nothing will go your way.
The good news is... you're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you and you aren't bad at making decisions....
Expectations are premeditated resentments. This always strikes a chord for me when I hear it, of course because there is so much truth in this simple statement.
When I started this journey of recovery, this is yet another piece of my puzzle that I didn’t understand or recognize. I had zero understanding that I put all these expectations on people and outcomes and situations- and then ended up mad when it didn’t go the way I thought it should go.
I know you are going to relate to this, too- because it’s human nature! It is something everyone does. Addiction or no addiction- these expectations are out here running wild in the streets.
Let me give you a simple example- I caught myself in this one, years ago when I just learning about expectations.
I’m driving to my boyfriend's house and I’m excited to see him, he was in a pretty good mood when we were on the phone so I’m thinking I’m going to get there and when I walk in he’s going...
You know I am a believer that everything is the product of a million little things.
Our recovery, our lives, our relationships, our personalities- all of it is the product of a million little things. Just like the micro decisions I always talk about.
Something I stress a lot to my clients is to think of yourself as a thousand piece puzzle. Do you realize how small those pieces are?
Some are bigger than others, but we are made up of a lot of pieces.
When I talk about my past and tell you that I wasn’t very nice and I was selfish and manipulative- those are just a few of my pieces. I was also extremely kind and loving and generous. Those are a few more of my pieces.
One of my pieces is entrepreneur, and one is alcoholic.
I will tell you, my anger piece got much smaller when I got sober and so did my judgmental piece. And with that, other pieces got much bigger.
The pieces we are going to talk about today are the selfish and self-centered pieces.
I’m sure we...