Staying Sober During the Holidays & Social Situations

Hey everybody! Welcome to episode 83 of the Addiction Unlimited Podcast, I’m your coach Angela Pugh- thank you for hanging out with me today and listening to the pod, I’m really happy to be spending some time with you and getting my schedule back to normal.

Last week, I was a speaker at Global Entrepreneurship Week, and not only did I do my own speaking gig there, but I was also asked to be on a panel talking about being a sober entrepreneur and how being sober has changed my business, or me as a business person. It was pretty amazing, honestly.

You know I do a lot of public speaking, usually about personal development and empowerment, creating change and all of those things I love, but as my businesses grow, I’m getting asked to do more things in the entrepreneurship arena and digital marketing and social media. I love all that stuff too, so it’s been really fun.

But I spent a lot of time last week at the Global Entrepreneurship conference so I spent the weekend getting caught up on things and getting back in the routine. I love speaking, and I travel and speak at a lot of corporate luncheons and events, galas for non-profits and things like that and it is so much fun, and at the same time, I love getting back in my routine and spending quality time with you!

I’m sure you saw the title of today’s episode and you know we are going to talk about staying sober through the holidays, and really not just the holidays, but these are the strategies I use in any social situation where there is going to be drinking-

We all know how awkward it can feel going into a party or celebration where people don’t necessarily know you are sober and you aren’t shouting it from the rooftops. You can feel a little out of place when your family and friends are drinking and you feel like the spotlight is on you and your glass of ice water.

This can make you feel super anxious- I know, I’ve been there.

But here’s the thing- regardless of what anyone else is doing, you are your responsibility, and I am my responsibility and if we go into these situations with our eyes open and strategies in place, we will make it out safe and sound… and sober.

If you do nothing, then you are making a choice to not protect your sobriety- think about that for a minute. This is your opportunity, right now, to make a decision to stay sober and to have a simple plan that will make that a lot easier before you ever walk in the door of a challenging situation.

Remember what we talked about in the ‘Is Relapse a Choice’ episode- if you don’t make a choice and take steps to protect your sobriety, then you are making a choice to protect your option to drink.

And drinking is your decision to make- make a decision right now that you aren’t drinking, no matter what- no matter how awkward or uncomfortable you may feel, no matter how high your anxiety gets, no matter how much someone is bugging you- NONE of those are reasons to drink. Just make the decision right now.

Are you with me? Let’s do this together, it’s simple, no one else has to know you’ve planned ahead, and we can sail through this without any drama.

Okay? Okay!

Before we do this deep dive into super sober strategies, I want to take a minute to do a shoutout!

This one goes out to a client of mine, who does private sessions with me. And I want to give him a shoutout because he has worked his buns off and I am so impressed with him!

This is someone who doesn’t have a lot of money and couldn’t afford weekly individual coaching, but he was so determined to quit drinking once and for all, he wanted off the rollercoaster of a couple of weeks sober, then drunk again, constantly starting back at day one, that he made a decision to invest in himself so he could have support and guidance, and he could also figure out why he kept relapsing, and STOP that cycle.

He scheduled a free consultation with me, which you can find at www.myrecoverytoobox.com,  and we created a plan for him to get the support and guidance he needed.

Many of you who do private sessions with me know how I work- for those of you who don’t, let me break it down real quick-  a standard session with me is between 60 & 90 minutes. I give you the option of recording the call so you can go back and reference all the things we talk about and whatever assignments or homework you have- fair warning: I give a ton of information in a call so most people opt to get it recorded so they have everything we talk about.

THEN… you get a full week of follow up support with me. It’s not once all and adios! You never hear from me again- we will be emailing back and forth to keep you on track and moving forward with what you are working on.

So- He had his first session with me when he was just 5 days sober- it was like the first day he was up out of bed and feeling good enough to talk- but his determination and dedication were freakin outstanding!

So he committed to one session per month, then we set up additional support through email and the FB group so he had accountability, support and motivation.

And I’m telling you- he blew me away with his level of commitment! And only one session a month and he just celebrated 4 months sober AND it’s the longest he’s been sober since he was 16!

You guys! This is un-freakin-believable! He invested in himself, he made a commitment, he followed direction and followed through on every plan we set out for him, and he crushed it!

So crazy proud of him and grateful I get to work with him in those individual sessions, it’s so fun and fulfilling for me to get to see when you start making major changes in your life and you start to feel happy and confident and you start to realize what you are really capable of. That’s what I live for!

But, if you don’t do anything, you don’t have any plan or support or inspiration, you don’t get results. It’s just that simple. And for him, he was ready, he could imagine what it would look like to live sober- he could see himself feeling better and stronger, being more dependable for his family, rebuilding their trust and, at the same time, building his confidence in himself knowing he could accomplish this huge thing.

He could see it, and he did it. If you are feeling like you’re ready and you want to talk about a plan for yourself, schedule a consult www.myrecoverytoolbox.com, and I’ll link to that in the show notes so you can click on it right from your podcast app!

Okay, that’s the shoutout! So proud of him for seeing the possibilities, for being willing to reach out for help even when he thought he couldn’t afford it, and for showing up with me, doing the work, and now celebrating this new life he built. Freakin’ AMAZING!

Now let’s dive into this episode about staying sober during the holidays!!

Most of us struggle with family stuff, especially during the holidays-  trying to manage finances, which house do we go to first, who’s cooking, cleaning, and traveling. It’s a lot to think about and worry about.

As addicted people there is a general difficulty coping with emotions. It is at the core of why we drink and/or use drugs and that ability to cope is the thing we work the hardest to develop to maintain our sobriety.

People get tripped up here- they think they are going to stop drinking and that’s the battle. But no. The battle is learning how to cope with feelings and discomfort- that’s what recovery is.

Feelings are overwhelming. They say whatever age we begin drinking and/or using drugs regularly is the age we stop maturing. The thought behind this is, we stop developing coping skills. Instead, our main coping mechanism becomes drinking and drugs. When you’re angry, you turn to your substance. When anxious, you turn to your substance. If you get your feelings hurt, are sad, lonely, or fearful of the future you turn to our substance.

Difficult conversation you don’t want to have? Substance. Important event you are super nervous about? Substance.

Unfortunately, substance masks the feelings but it does not solve the problem. And this is the issue with relapse. It’s not so much that you want to drink or be drunk, what you want is to stop feeling whatever feeling you are having, because you don’t know how to cope with it. You use the drink to numb that feeling so it isn’t so confusing and overwhelming.

But guess what? Numbing the feeling doesn’t get you farther along in the process, it’s just avoidance. And the problems and discomfort are just sitting there waiting for you with open arms when your hangover wears off.

The key, is to identify whatever you are feeling, and work on that!

Ask yourself what you are really feeling in that moment- are you anxious, are you mad, are your feelings hurt, are you in financial fear or job fear or relationship fear- are you bored? Put a label on what is actually happening, then you can figure out how to work through that feeling instead of just drinking to numb it.

As we approach the holiday season and all of the stressors that come with it, it is important to be aware of these underlying struggles so we can have a plan, and stay safe and sober.

We are going to go through my favorite 6 tips to stay sober for the holidays, and at the end, I’m going to give you a couple of bonus tips and tricks so you are armed in any situation. 

1) Have an Ally

Whoever that may be for you, wherever you are going, have someone who is a safe person that you can buddy with if needed. For me, this is someone who doesn’t drink, who also knows that I am sober and it is important to me to maintain my sobriety, and also someone with a sense of humor because humor is my go-to solution when I am uncomfortable. Sometimes I may go off by myself and call one of my friends just to relax and recalibrate for a minute. But I always have at least one person I can just be my sober self with and feel safe and comfortable. 

2) Be Mindful of Your Triggers 

One of the most important things I can do is to be aware of my own triggers. When I was a drinker I loved tequila. If I am at a holiday party and a bottle of tequila is being passed around, or a tray of shots is going around, it is probably a good time for me to excuse myself for a few minutes. Maybe it’s a bathroom break, maybe it’s to call or text with a friend for a minute to keep me grounded, maybe I step away and send a fun selfie to my mom. Whatever is needed to keep me in a good sober state of mind. Tequila is not going to chase me, and no one can force me to drink. I am responsible for taking care of myself and the smart thing for me to do is to separate myself from situations that could be challenging. 

3)  No FOMO 

For those of you who don’t know, FOMO is Fear Of Missing Out. Sometimes there is a strange little feeling we get when we see other people enjoying their glass of wine, or we see our friends and/or family mixing their cocktails and laughing together- we start to feel like we are missing out on something special. We can start to feel different and separated. I have to remember the only thing I am missing out on is a horrific hangover and probably making a lot of people angry. Not to mention, if I drank, I would be devastated and heartbroken, and I would lose everything I have worked for. No FOMO. Do not convince yourself you are missing out on some special moment.

Play the movie in your head, all the way through to the end.

4)  Don’t Test Yourself 

I hear this one a lot from people when they are newly sober. They want to ‘test’ themselves and see how they feel being around alcohol. It’s kind of dumb when you think about it. This is not a time to test yourself because there are too many forces working against us at the holidays. Test yourself later, when there isn’t so much stress and general discomfort. Or, better yet, don’t test yourself at all. If you are in a good place don’t push your luck. Be grateful and don’t test yourself. 

5)  Stay Busy

This is a big one for me. I have terrible social anxiety and it makes it very difficult to sit around and chit chat with people. I am so much more comfortable when I am busy. So maybe I help with some of the cooking, or setting the table, or the clean up. Or maybe I find a task with my niece or one of my brothers and I stay involved in that. Whatever I can do, I try to be helpful to those around me and I try to stay busy.

6)  Be Grateful 

Of course, this is my personal favorite, gratitude. Be grateful you are clean and sober. Be grateful you get to have these moments with people you love. Be grateful you aren’t in jail or dead. As sober people we have the opportunity to recreate and live a whole new life. That is nothing short of AMAZING. Many people aren’t nearly that blessed. So look around at the people who love you and take a moment to love them back. Count your blessings and all the sober friends you have all across the world. I can go anywhere on the planet and I have a built-in family of sober people who will care about me and protect me. Not many people have that, but sober people do. 

Holidays are an amazing time. If we take some simple measures to protect ourselves we can get through the uncomfortable stuff and celebrate the victory on the other side. Call your friends, go to a meeting, be helpful to others, remember how incredible your sober life is. And protect it at all cost!

Now, I told you at the beginning that I would give you a couple of bonus tips for these awkward situations- and this isn’t only for the holidays, but any work party or neighborhood party, dinner with clients, happy hour with co-workers- whatever situation you have, these are a couple of quickies to protect your self and your sobriety-

Firstly, always have your own drink in your hand. People are much less apt to offer you a drink or bring you a drink if you are already holding something. If you don’t want people to know it is alcohol-free, then get something with a lemon or lime in it. I drink Diet Coke with a lemon and it’s actually amazing.

If people see that little wedge of fruit floating in your class they aren’t suspicious about if you are drinking or not.

But honestly, what I really want you to know is that most people are super self-absorbed. We are so caught up in ourselves that we rarely have the ability to notice what you are or aren’t drinking. Remember that, humans are totally selfish so chances are no one is going to notice at all.

But make that your ‘thing’ throughout your event- always have your own drink in your hand. And if you need a refill and don’t want someone to overhear what you order, then excuse yourself to the restroom and get a refill on your way back, or find your server and ask them for a refill privately.

If you are nervous about drawing attention, then just keep a glass in your hand.

Secondly, let’s talk about a few one-liners you can use to tell people why you aren’t drinking.

Obviously, I’m pretty comfortable being a non-drinker. It has never bothered me to tell people I’m not drinking because for me, I feel like I’m cooler than all the drinking people and I like to let people know how cool I am.

I’m kind of joking, but there is a little bit of truth in that. I feel like having the ability to decline a drink, to go against the social norms, and to maintain my personal choice, and stand by my decision and be resolute in the choice I’ve made for my life,  is it’s own superpower. And regular people don’t have super powers.

The only idea they have for fun is to drink. And honestly, once you really start LIVING life, you realize how lame drinking is and how much of a waste of time it is.

So I feel incredibly empowered in my decision to not drink.

For those of you who aren’t quite there yet, here are some things I’ve heard people use in the past to take the attention off of not drinking:

I have one girlfriend that will tell people her stomach has been upset so she’s not drinking right now-

Super simple, everyone gets that, and the conversations goes no further.

I have another friend who loves to workout and lives a fairly healthy lifestyle, and he tells people that’s why he doesn’t drink. He just says no, it’s not good for my body and I don’t want the calories! I want to wake up tomorrow and feel good and energized and go to the gym before my kids get up- I don’t want to be dragging, feeling crappy and foggy because I drank.

I know another guy that tells everyone he’s Buddhist and in Buddhism there’s no intoxicants. And he says it in jest and laughing a bit, but it totally changes the focus of the conversation and no one worries about what he is or isn’t drinking.

Another super easy one is to tell people you have an early morning meeting, or breakfast with a friend, or a pilates class- and you want to feel good in the morning instead of feeling like crap.

And, I have heard people say a million times over the years that they are taking medication and can’t drink right now- whether it’s an antibiotic or supplement or something herbal. Whatever your jam is, make it fit for you and use it.

I wanted to give you some of these ready-to-use lines because I know you get stressed out thinking about what to tell people. You get anxious and uncomfortable, and if you don’t plan ahead you get caught in the moment and panic in that fight/flight/or freeze mode where you don’t know what to say or do- and that’s exactly where addiction needs you to be- in fear, overwhelmed, not knowing what to do- that’s how it thrives. And it will win every time.

But imagine this for a minute- imagine you walk into your holiday party, your family gathering, and imagine you feel great- you are smiling, you are confident, you are in a good mood, hugging the little kids, helping out in the kitchen, you already know you aren’t drinking so you don’t have to worry about fighting off the feelings of should or shouldn’t I? Maybe I could have just one, maybe no one would know, I could probably control it this time if I try really hard- You’ve already made the decision you aren’t drinking so you immediately shut down the committee and all that noise.

You know what you are going to say if anyone asks, so you aren’t nervous about that. You’ve got a Sprite with a lime in your hand and it tastes great! So no one is offering you drinks- when the other drinkers try to lure you into the drinking spot, wherever that is, you laugh them off and say, “no way dude, I’ve got a big day tomorrow and I’m not in the mood be all f’ed up and hungover!” And you walk away.

Like it’s nothing. Imagine how good you feel, being confident in your choice, being able to trust yourself to make the decision and stand by it. You are protecting yourself! Loving yourself and your new life! This is the ultimate self-respect! You’ve totally got this!

You stay for an hour or two, you pop into the FB group a couple of times to share pics of the food and the crazy sweater your aunt is wearing, we all have some laughs, and you are good!

Can you see it? That’s exactly how it will go if you keep that vision in your head and follow these strategies we’ve laid out.

And remember, I will be super active in the FB group all day on Thanksgiving so if you are struggling jump in there and start a conversation- I’ll be as hands on as possible to support you.

And if you are not a member of the FB group, get over there and JOIN! This is a phenomenal group of people, going through the same struggles you are going through, sharing inspiration and support and a great sense of humor, AND it’s totally private! No one can see you are in the group except the other people in the group, so you don’t have to worry about that!

I’m also going to have you all sharing funny pics from your day- I’m going to be posting some fun stuff and having you share with me throughout the day- it will be fun.

Okay, my loves! You have a lot of ammunition from this episode and it will get you through a lot of situations!

I will put in the show notes a link to join the FB group, and for those of you who are ready to kick it up a notch and you want to get off this crazy roller coaster ride of being sober for a couple of weeks, then drunk again, I can totally help you. I’ll put the link to schedule a free consultation, or if you know you are ready to kick ass and level up your life, then I’ll put the link where you can schedule a session right now! Ooh, I just got chills thinking about all of you out there that are ready to start crushing it sober and doing some real work on this sobriety thing- I live for this stuff and I can’t wait to help you!

Until next time, my friends, I hope you are having a fantastic day, and I will see you next week!

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