Mistakes In Sobriety

These stumbling blocks can pop up at any time in our lives and at any stage of sobriety so it’s good to be aware and know how to work around them.

This is my observation over the course of the last decade+ working with addiction, being an addict, AND being a Life Coach studying behavior and personal development.

Most of the tools I talk about are centered around the art of change and breaking habits and understanding how all of that works. It just so happens that getting sober or quitting drinking is a HUGE change- and it requires action, intention, and being purposeful about the moves you make so you can get the results you want.

It’s like GPS for your life. You wouldn’t get in your car for a cross-country road trip and not use a map or GPS, right? Because who knows what would happen or where you would end up. So it doesn’t make sense to try to navigate a ginourmous shift in your life without guidance and an understanding of your destination.

Know what your big picture goals are so that your daily micro decisions can support you in going that direction.

The Big Picture

Here’s what I mean- I know I want to be sober. I want to feel happy, I want to manage stress and anxiety better because sometimes they really kick my ass.

I want my business to be successful, I want to travel, I want to do more public speaking, and I want to expand my entrepreneur portfolio with other ventures.

That’s a bit of my big picture.

And, just like you, I have bad days, too.

So, the last two weeks for me, when I was feeling completely overwhelmed, sad and like nothing was going my way- all I wanted to do was isolate and lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself.

Which I did, btw.

I did that a little bit then I reminded myself that those choices are not moving me toward my big picture.

If I am hiding and letting the committee (that damn negative chatter in my head) dictate my day then how am I going to serve you? How will I be able to show up for my clients if I am a party of one at my own private pity party? 

It doesn’t get me closer to where I’m going.

If I’m isolating, I’m not connecting, and when I’m not connecting my sadness feels worse. So I have to make a different decision whether I like it or not.

So let’s dig in to these mistakes I see over and over again when people are trying to stay sober.

Lack of Commitment

You say you aren’t drinking anymore, but only commit to it until it gets too uncomfortable or it feels too hard.

Let me say this- I don’t think you intentionally lack commitment. I think you aren’t well prepared for what is coming or how it’s going to feel so you don’t have strategies in place to get you through those hard times.

The more tools you can have BEFORE a crisis moment strikes you, the better prepared you will be to get through those moments.

I want you to understand, from the beginning, that there are going to be times that are super uncomfortable. You aren’t going to feel good, your anxiety will be super high, and you will probably be quite irritated with the whole thing.

I also want you to know, that it will pass. I promise. Just like your great moments pass, your bad ones will pass also.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be 150% committed from day one.

Don’t let the committee tell you it’s okay to have a drink, or that you can start over again later, or maybe your problem isn’t that bad- or all the other million lies it tells you.

KNOW that your brain, the committee in there, is lying to you.

It can’t help it, it’s been poisoned by alcohol! 

Do NOT fall for it! Almost everything your brain tells you is a lie for awhile. Your brain has been hijacked and its goal is very different from your goal. Do not forget that!

It’s going to tell you you don’t need help, you can do this on your own, it will tell you to isolate, it will keep you from picking up the phone and connecting with people, or it will tell you you don’t need help from a coach/sponsor/mentor, it will tell you you aren’t as bad as ‘those’ people, it will tell you to feel bad about being in this situation and it will tell you to keep it a secret.

All of these things are huge lies it has to tell you to keep you isolated and alone and vulnerable.

I want you to shift your commitment to your self- don’t be committed to listening to the committee- be committed to doing the things you know are the right things to do. Tell the committee to sit down and shut up. You are taking over now.

This is no different than when I eat ice cream instead of broccoli. The committee wants the ice cream because it wants me to feel bad about my decisions. And I know logically, that broccoli is the right choice to be the person I want to be and to accomplish what I want to accomplish- I know the ice cream isn’t the ‘right’ choice. And this is where my level of commitment comes in. Because if I am really committed to a goal of making healthier choices, then I’m not going to give in to the ice cream craving. I’m going to give the committee the big middle finger, and I’m going to do what ‘s right for me even when it’s hard, even when I’m tired, even when I’m sad, and even when I just don’t freakin want to. That’s commitment.

Feed Your Sobriety

The next thing I think is challenging for most people is something you hear me talk about in the Recovery Starter Kit- feeding your sobriety.

You have to feed your sobriety every day if you want it to be strong.

For me, this means I consume information that is specific to recovery somehow. It may be watching a movie about addiction and recovery- it may be reading an article online, it may be listening to an audiobook by someone in recovery, it may be as simple as reaching out and connecting with another alcoholic by text or a phone call or at a meeting.

Maybe you go to an online meeting with the Sober Society- it can be a thousand things, but it has to be specific to sobriety and allowing you to learn about it and how to nurture it.

This doesn’t have to be time consuming, it just has to be intentional. Choose things intentionally to accomplish what you want... sobriety!

Underestimate Alcoholism

And this leads me perfectly to the next one. Underestimating the strength of alcoholism. I don’t care if you are one of those people that doesn’t like the labels- you don’t want to be called powerless or an alcoholic or whatever.

This is more of your brain lying to you, btw. All of that stuff is just a smoke screen the committee is throwing up to keep you off balance. Because the truth is, the words don’t matter.

I don’t care what you want to call yourself or what cutesy new terminology you want to use- if you know you can’t drink, then the key is to NOT drink.

Who cares about the words and names and labels. It’s not even worth spending time arguing with the labels, just don’t drink because you know you don’t drink well.

And do not for a moment underestimate the power of this monster.

If it was easy to stop you wouldn’t be listening to podcasts and going to meetings and looking for help and support. If it was easy to do it on your own with no guidance then, don’t you think we would all do it that way?

If it was just that simple then there wouldn’t be 14,000 treatment centers in the United States and people wouldn’t be dying left and right from drinking and health issues as a result of drinking.

And don’t forget we kill other people, too.

This thing is a monster. And it is more powerful than you can ever imagine and it will serve you well to not underestimate it’s strength.

If you want to toy with thoughts of someday being able to drink socially then it will be happy to prove you wrong and embarrass you and continue to break you. Every chance you give it, it will bring you to your knees.

And you know this.

You know that feeling of waking up after drinking again, when you told yourself you weren’t doing it anymore. You know the feeling of another day one- and feeling like crap and being so mad at yourself and disappointed and alone.

Remember, alcoholism needs a certain set of circumstances to thrive. It needs you to feel bad about yourself, it needs you isolated and it needs you to feel alone and lost.

It needs you to doubt yourself and to be angry at life and yourself and others- it needs you to be hiding so it can prey on you.

If you want to start winning the battle, you have to go against ALL of those things.

Secrets Make You Weak

And this is another thing on the list of mistakes- keeping it secret. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed and not telling anyone you are making this change.

I’m not saying you need to go out and shout it from the roof tops or go into HR and make an announcement that you are an alcoholic and getting sober.

I’m saying, you need someone to connect with that you are honest with about who and what you are. You also don’t have to tell people that you aren’t drinking anymore because you’re an alcoholic. You can just say you decided to make some healthy changes in your life and alcohol wasn’t making you feel great, so you are giving it up.

It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic shame-filled ordeal.

But it is imperative you have a person, or a small group of people, who know exactly what you are doing and why. And it’s the underlying feelings that make this so important.

Remember, addiction needs you to feel bad about yourself and to be hiding and isolated.

And usually, people don’t want to talk about their sobriety because they are embarrassed and feel shame about it. That is definitely poking the bear. You don’t have to tell everyone, but you need to have someone who sees you, someone who can support you, and someone you can be honest with so you aren’t poking the bear.

Perspective

And this brings me to the last thing I’m putting in this list- perspective. This big change you are making in your life is not going to feel good if your perspective is negative. If you are only focused on how bad you feel and how much you miss your old habits, and how lonely you are, and how bad your anxiety is… all of this negativity does not serve you and will not get you closer to comfortable and feeling better.

You want to hide your problem, you don’t like AA, you don’t have time, you don’t have anything to do or anyone to hang out with, you can’t imagine never having a drink again- negative negative negative!

Stop! You will drive yourself crazy!

Shift that perspective to all the good things that will come from changing your life. Think about how good you are going to feel waking up with NO HANGOVER! Think about how much money you will save and how much more stuff you can accomplish with a clear mind. Think about how much more dependable you will be as a parent and how much comfort your kids will get by seeing you clear and stable and knowing they can trust you.

Think about how much better your body will feel and how much better you will perform at work- you will have less anxiety, you will look better because you get your normal color back and your eyes brighten up when you stop drinking.

Think about how strong you are because you are committing to this HUGE change- think about how much your friends and family will admire you for turning your life around and having this incredible accomplishment.

Put your time and energy into looking at your future and who you want to be. Don’t go through your life staring in the rearview mirror because you’ll crash.

And recognize that most of the greatest challenges in sobriety are totally in your control. Don’t let yourself get bored because boredom will take you down faster than anything.

Get creative, plan things to spend your time and energy on in advance so you don’t panic when the moment of boredom strikes.

Be committed to your decision and be willing to get guidance and make adjustments to accommodate your new life.

You can’t fix yourself with the same broken thinking that broke you.

Connect with people, be honest about what’s going on, do not isolate yourself alone with the committee, you will lose.

And finally, check out all the resources to help you!

www.myrecoverytoolbox.com