It's Not Your Drinking, It's Your Thinking

I know you are bored and stir crazy and ready for the world to go back to normal, and I am working on giving you a great community to be a part of with like-minded people and support to continue working on sobriety and not lose your mind in the process.

Today, I want to send out a huge thank you to one of our listeners, and she has been a part of the private Facebook community for a long time and she is a lovely person and a joy to get to know.

This is someone who truly takes advantage of the tools and uses them to better herself but also she shares the resources with her recovery community and people who are struggling and need more support.

I’ve gotten to meet her in a few of our online recovery meetings that we are doing in the FB group, she is an active member of FB group posting in there, supporting others, always being positive. And she joined the Inner Circle membership as soon as it was available!

I want to read a comment from her real quick that she left in the FB group-  she says:

“Angela this is a WONDERFUL way to get “extra help” and  more importantly it’s a fabulous way to pay a very manageable amount of money to support your work on an ongoing basis. Your pods, materials, recent meetings during this crisis- they have all helped me SO MUCH and are helping those I send to enjoy the resources also. I know you are a good person with a real passion for helping people overcome addiction, but your time and money is valuable. Thank you for making a way for me to help support your hard work!! I’m in the Inner Circle as of today!”

Holy crap! What a dream comment to get from one of you. And I want to say also, she reached out to me later and asked how to get a membership for one of her sponsees who is really struggling right now.

This is the epitome of service, you guys. This is a testament to recovery and growing up and learning how to think of people other than ourselves. First, her whole comment was gratitude for a way to support my efforts, not about what she gets or what she wants more of, but to say thank you by being a member of my site to be a part of keeping the machine going.

Then, her concern shifted to how she could help someone else. The woman she sponsors. Again, nothing about herself or what she needs or wants- but how can she continue to be of service to someone else, to make their life and their day a little easier.

I am so crazy impressed when I get to see this and so proud that this is the type of person in our community. Amazing! And Thank you!

And this moves us perfectly into our topic today.

What we in AA call, Stinkin Thinkin.

And really quickly- for those of you interested in the membership site, it is free for the entire month of April- you have access to all the content, community and support for FREE at www.myrecoverytoolbox.com on the courses page, use promo code FREEAPRIL when you sign up and April is on me! And of course I will link that in the show notes along with the FB group so you can join that… also free.

Your struggle is changing your thinking, loving yourself, you feel like you are never enough- it’s a daily struggle not only to eliminate alcohol from your life but to learn how to think in a way that is more supportive and positive.

In one of our online recovery meetings the other day one of our members said she knows whatever her first thought is, it’s usually wrong. She said she has come to terms with the fact that when she recognizes her first thought in a situation, she automatically does the opposite.

It’s so true and I was exactly the same way.

You have heard me tell the story of my early sobriety when someone approached me at a meeting and invited me to a girls dinner with several ladies from AA. I was literally like two weeks sober and scared to death.

Remember, I’m an introvert anyway and I was new so my anxiety was unbearable and the only places I wanted to be were home, and my AA group. I didn’t want to go anywhere else for a long time, those were my safe places.

She invites me to this dinner, I don’t know anyone, and the committee immediately says “hell no, we’re not doing that”.

And immediately I knew, I had to do it. So I looked at her, and I said “yeah, I’d love to!”

I went that evening to the restaurant, and I sat in my car and cried for probably 15 minutes before I went inside.  My anxiety was out of control, but I knew I had to muster the courage to go inside.

Courage, btw, is the theme in the Inner Circle membership site this month. We are talking a lot about courage in there.

Even though my anxiety was crazy, and the committee was begging to leave and giving me every rationalization in the world as to why it was okay for me to leave- I knew I had to do it, and I did it.  

So why is it that our first response is usually wrong? Why is it that we want to numb and treat every discomfort, from boredom to sadness, with booze?

And why doesn’t it change when we stop drinking?

You know drinking is the problem, so why doesn’t everything become super simple when you stop?

It’s your thinking.

When we are compulsive and impulsive and unhealthy and codependent and insecure- and those are the things we are when we have substance issues, we are all of that. And when we function from those places, we make decisions for all the wrong reasons.

Are you with me?

We function from a place of instant gratification instead of doing what is best in the long run. We want what feels good now, rather than what is actually good.

Our motives are off. Most of us spent years living like that- training our brains to do it a certain way- choose the date because the attention feels really good right now even though you know that isn’t the type of person you want to be with long-term.

But the attention and companionship and lust all feel great in that moment so we go for it. We are not capable of thinking about the long-term, we act on that feeling in the moment, what feels good right now, instead of being a grown up and thinking big picture.

Here’s a great example of that instant gratification thinking where I was just absolutely ridiculous- and I tell you this story so you can see how deep-seeded this thought process is.

It infiltrates every area- okay- this was many years ago, I was probably in my first year of sobriety, maybe second. I was buying furniture for my bedroom and I had found this incredible bed online that I really wanted.

There was only one store in my city that sold the bed so, like a good alcoholic, I drop everything and go to that store determined to have this bed.

When I got there, they informed me that yes, they sell that bed, but they don’t keep it in stock, it has to be ordered.

It takes 6-8 weeks to come in.

Where the F is this damn bed coming from???

You guys, I couldn’t handle it. I said f you, I can’t wait that long and I left.

You know what I did?

I went to another store and bought a bed that was not nearly as amazing as the one I wanted, just because they could deliver it immediately.

I needed that instant gratification.

Ladies, you will totally get this-  I can’t tell you how many items of clothing I have purchased in my life that weren’t even my size, or they were a color that I didn’t love, or it didn’t fit exactly right but I thought I can make it work-

Just because I wanted that little high of instant gratification!

Are you with me?? It’s so silly!

We do this in so many ways-  getting into relationships or getting married even when there are a thousand red flags- because we want the instant gratification.

Driving to an AA meeting and sitting in the parking lot, too afraid to go in, and you leave because the instant gratification of getting back to your comfort zone is all you want in that moment.

Or, avoiding a tough conversation with your kids or your boss or your partner because you don’t want them to be upset with you or have a fight- the instant gratification of feeling good and safe and getting along is more important than having a crappy and difficult conversation.

You end up keeping everything inside, not advocating for yourself, not telling your kids or partner or boss what you need, then you end up miserable and resentful, and want to blame everyone else.

Enough, my friends. Enough.

How about that yummy food or dessert we love to partake in so often? Instant gratification. Because you know you don’t feel great after you have it. If I am having too many sweet treats in a week, I do not feel good about it because I know I’m being impulsive and compulsive.

Not to mention the physical and emotional effects of those foods and choices.

Just like drinking. Instant gratification.

You get uncomfortable, you want the feelings to go away, you want the committee to shut the F up, and  drink is the fastest route to freedom.

But only in that instant, definitely not long-term. Because you are going to wake up the next day feeling like a failure, hating yourself, wondering what the F is wrong with you that you can’t get control of this thing.

In those moments of contemplating a drink, the decision really is about what kind of life you want for yourself. Do you want a life you love being a person you are proud of? Or do you want a life you hate where you are berating and cursing yourself all day everyday?

Here we are back at micro-decisions. You hear me say it on almost every episode- your life, your reality is a collection of the little split-second tiny decisions you make a hundred times a day.

Be sad or take action to counteract the sadness. Sit in anxiety, or look for relief. Feel overwhelmed, or call someone and talk through it. Obsess over drinking or not drinking, or go to a meeting and get love and support from like-minded people. Do things to grow your recovery, or get complacent and watch it vanish.

Each moment is a choice- and what you have to practice is not getting caught up in the instant gratification because instant is almost never the best choice.

Are you stuck in instant gratification? Are you ready to start taking better care of yourself and making more solid and stable choices?

Fear plays a huge role in this, too. In the membership site this month we are talking a lot about fear and courage. It’s okay to have fear- what you want to practice is having fear, and moving forward anyway. That’s courage.

Instant gratification is a trap because it keeps you in your comfort zone. And, if you are anything like me, my comfort zone was drunk. Drunk, crippled by fear, held hostage by instant gratification and lacking the ability to escape because drinking made me weak. I just didn’t have the strength, the mental capacity to figure out how to get out of there.

In my sobriety, on the other hand, I get to regain my mental clarity so I can see things in a new way and I can begin to challenge myself to take actions that feel very scary, but know I can get through it and know that I will be okay.

Man, addiction hates that. Lol, it hates when you believe in yourself and trust yourself because it knows it is losing control of you, losing power over you.

I want you to start thinking about this as instant gratification. Your initial thoughts aren’t usually wrong because something is wrong with you- they are usually wrong because we are used to making decisions based on the wrong reasons.

You make your life choices based on comfort, instant gratification, and fear. Well, that’s a pretty shitty criteria, honestly.

One of the ways I started making this shift is thinking about everything in delayed gratification. The greatest feelings in life come with delayed gratification.

Think about it- the things you most appreciate are probably the things that you had to work for, plan for, study for. You had to be committed and dedicated- or that big purchase like your house or dream car or handbag- maybe you really had to work hard and follow a budget and save money to afford what you wanted. But you did it, and it felt good!

Start thinking about this in every area of your life- when you drunk friends invite you to do something and you know you will be uncomfortable and it will trigger all kinds of feelings and it will put you in a position to drink- SAY NO.

Instant gratification makes you want to say yes because you want to be with your friends, you want to feel included and cared about, you want to do something exciting and not be bored- but you know better.

Go for the delayed gratification. The feeling that will come the next morning when you wake up and feel good, not hungover, and you are proud of yourself for taking initiative, making a healthy choice and protecting yourself.

That’s self-love. You guys ask me a lot about how to learn to love yourselves more and this is one of those ways.

Building self-esteem and learning to care for yourself means you do the things that are right for you- not what feels good in the moment, but what is best for you as a human.

That means sometimes I stay home and give myself a facial and binge-watch Tiger King instead of meeting my friends or scheduling client calls or working on my website.

I love doing all those things- and, when I feel my battery dying, I have to recharge and that is my responsibility.

When you catch yourself being impatient or snippy- it’s usually because you aren’t getting what you want. It’s not going fast enough, it’s not coming when you want it to, you have to wait and you don’t like to, people won’t do what you want them to or act the way you want them to or say the things you want them to-

At the core of all of this is instant gratification and selfishness- I want what I want when I want it.

Practice being okay with things as they are.

Practice acceptance that things aren’t going to go your way, and they aren’t supposed to. It is not the world’s responsibility to make sure you get what you want exactly the way you want it. It’s your responsibility to do that. And getting what you want for the long-term, big picture, means making healthy and stable choices in your life each day.

Don’t get caught up in instant gratification. Don’t spend your money on the new jeans then be panicked and pissed off when you don’t have money for your phone bill. When you really want the new jeans, think it through- think about the consequences of that decision a week or two weeks down the road. Think about how badly you will feel when you are in a panic about the phone bill and having to run around like a crazy person trying to come up with $100 and possibly having to borrow money from someone.

Been there done that, and that definitely doesn’t feel good.

If you want a drama-free life then you have to make drama-free choices. I pay my bills on time now because I don’t want to be in a panic and feel all that angst and shame of being late because I blew my money like an irresponsible kid.

Because that’s what I used to do. Over and over and over.

Buy a handbag instead of paying the cable bill because I knew I could work an extra shift and make the money back and pay the cable bill late.

Of course I didn’t have healthy self-esteem behaving like that. I was just jumping around my life from one instant gratification thing to the next.

I wasn’t making smart choices for myself or thinking things through- I was chasing the high.

Whether it was a handbag, a guy, a trip, a new car, a drink- it was all moment to moment with no plan.

When I got the ability to slow down a bit and start to see how being that impulsive was not serving me, that’s when I got to start making better choices.

That’s when I could see that the guys I liked were not the healthiest choice for me, even though all that fun and lust and infatuation felt great I always ended up sad because I didn’t intentionally choose people that were a good fit for me, I chose people based on how good it felt in the moment.

Then I could see that when I was so impatient and I didn’t have the ability to wait for the furniture I really wanted, I ended up with furniture I didn’t love and felt disappointed. It would have been way better if I would have waited the 6 weeks and had what I wanted so every time I walked in the room I felt proud and happy and grateful.

Instead I was a little pissed off every time I saw it because it was just a reminder that it wasn’t what I really wanted. So ridiculous.

I started to see the value in paying the bills on time because I got to live without the stress and embarrassment of being irresponsible.

Let me tell you something- bill collectors destroy my serenity. And I have had a few times in my life where things were incredibly difficult financially.

It’s the story of every entrepreneur, for sure. When you take big risks and take action it doesn’t always go well. Just because you start a business doesn’t mean the money is rolling in every day- that’s far from the truth.

And I’ve had some hard lessons in the last few years- I’ve started two companies by myself and there have been times that between the IRS and credit card debt I felt like I just wanted to crawl under my bed and never come out.

But what I know is, crawling under the bed or avoiding the calls gives me a reprieve in that moment- but it doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

What allows me to feel good about myself is when I step up and handle my business. When I show myself that I believe in myself to do what I need to do to do be well.

And when all of that was going on I had to really push myself to do things that were uncomfortable. I had to have courage to call the IRS even when I felt humiliated by how far behind I was. I felt like a failure, I felt weak, and I felt ashamed.

And I had to push myself through that and tell myself over and over again how important it is to face the consequences of my actions. I am my responsibility. My consequences are my responsibility.

Then, I had to make some hard decisions and I had to get committed to my goal on a whole new level. I had to make the decision to get my shit together, to handle my business, and be 100% dedicated to it.

And that’s what I did. You guys have heard me talk about this before- when I lost a business many years ago- I cut my lifestyle down to nothing. Bare minimum cell phone, tiny ugly apartment, working 6-7 days a week, I didn’t so much as buy a coffee for over a year.

That’s what it looks like to be committed to something. That’s what it looks like to chase delayed gratification with HUGE, life-long rewards rather than get caught in instant gratification creating more shitty consequences for myself.

Does this all make sense?

Instant gratification can be avoidance. Avoid the elephant in the room, don’t face it, don’t talk about it because it doesn’t feel good.

But it creates consequences instead of rewards.

And you know what addiction loves? It loves it when you feel shitty because you made some crappy decisions and created some consequences for yourself. Because when you feel bad, it knows it can prey on you. Feeling bad and embarrassed and ashamed make you vulnerable, and alcohol needs you to be vulnerable so it can lure you back in.

Here’s what I want you to do today- think about 1 or 2 ways you fall into the instant gratification trap over and over again.

Maybe it’s with dating, maybe it’s with money, maybe it’s with shopping, and maybe it’s being fearful and staying in your unhealthy little comfort zone.

Identify a couple of specific actions you take that are instant gratification, then think about what action you can take to do that differently.

Think through that moment, think about how you can make a different healthier choice, think about what you would say to someone else or yourself depending on what you situation is- think through every detail of doing it differently-

Think about the rewards of making healthy choices and how good you will feel. Think about the smile on your face when you get up the next morning knowing you made a kick ass decision that was the best decision for you.

Think about how strong you feel when you protect yourself, speak up for yourself, and protect your sobriety.

Then go do that. Make a commitment to do that. Be 100% committed to your decision.

Are you with me??

Awesome- thank you so much you guys, for another great week. Thank you for being involved in the Inner Circle membership site, thank you for your enthusiasm and all your kind words, thank you for supporting one another and being active in the comments in the Inner Circle and in the FB group.

I think we have the most powerful and amazing community of anyone out there and I am super proud of all of us and grateful to get to engage with you!

If you love this episode please take a whole 20 seconds and share it with someone! Be of service! And don’t forget to join the Inner Circle, free for the month of April, I’ll put the link in the show notes.

I hope you guys are having a fantastic day, and I’ll see you next week!

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