Is Relapse A Choice?

Hello friends, welcome to episode #79 of the Addiction Unlimited Podcast, I’m your Coach, Angela Pugh. Here to help you get that sober life you want! Thank you for hanging out with me today and listening to the pod- I’ve got an awesome topic today with a little bit of a truth bomb- that relapse is a choice.

That’s right, you heard me, my friends, it’s a choice. And we are going to dig into that in depth in just a moment. But first- let’s do a quick shoutout-

This shout out is going to be to my Facebook group members who are stepping up and getting raw and honest and posting in their first 1-2 days of sobriety. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

The bravery it takes to show yourself, to share your struggle- and it’s so smart of you to reach out and let people know exactly where you are! Those are the actions that show me you are serious about not drinking, you want help and support and guidance, you aren’t hiding in the shadows letting addiction run the show- you are creating accountability and being honest about who you are and where you are and I am so in love with you guys and so proud of you and I just want you to keep posting and talking and keep moving forward. Love love love!

That’s all I’ve got on that, we’ll keep it short and sweet- if you want some killer support and motivation come join us in the FB group- facebook.com/groups/addictionunlimited. It’s totally private, no one can see you are in there except the other members. And me, and I’m telling everybody, lol, just kidding, I won’t tell anybody!

So let’s dive in to this topic- let me tell you when I decided to talk about this- you heard last week’s episode with Robert- great episode, I really enjoyed doing that with him and I think we will do some more of those coaching podcasts, too- but there was a part of that conversation when Robert was talking about the possibility of relapse and he said, “I don’t know if that will happen, I hope it doesn’t happen.”

And in that moment I thought, what do you mean you HOPE it doesn’t happen? And I said to him, you know, you decide it’s not going to happen, that’s totally in your control, you decide.

And it was nagging me the rest of that week after we recorded that call- I just kept thinking about it and thinking like, this is a major sticking point for people. People don’t realize they are making a choice, or, really, a series of choices, and that’s what we’re going to get into.

I firmly believe that when the bear is awake and in full-blown drunk mode, we, as alcoholics, do not have a choice. Because we are not in control of ourselves in that time- we are not making our own decisions. Our brains have been hijacked, there is a lot of biology at play in that time, and drinking really can hit a point that it is absolute survival.

I know many of you didn’t drink the way I drank- I was a chronic alcoholic, daily drinker. I didn’t drink in the morning- well, I was just going to bed in the morning, actually. But my version of morning was later in the day and I was not a person that would wake up and immediately start drinking.

I was too hungover to even drink. And I know that is exactly why people drink in the morning is to get rid of the shakes and get back to normal- I just didn’t do it. I don’t know why, maybe I thought that was too dysfunctional or something, I don’t know.

I always had the shakes. For at least the last year of my drinking I shook all the time. I couldn’t hold a pen and write my name, it was crazy. And probably the most crazy part of all is that from the outside, you would have never known I was that bad.

For all intents and purposes, I was functioning. I could put that mask on, that mask of the person who had their shit together, and I could keep it on until I got home and could fall apart. I was such a savvy manipulator that I could do my hair and makeup and throw on a smile and that was my game face. And my game face was solid.

For me, drinking was survival. It was not fun anymore. I hated it. I felt like its hostage, and I despised it. And at the same time, I knew I couldn’t survive without it.

When I was living that life, I didn’t have a choice. Alcohol had me brainwashed, and the bear was fully in control.

And you don’t have to drink the same quantity as me to get to that place. It doesn’t take a ton of alcohol to hijack your brain and I know you know that because you lived it, too.

But here’s the catch- once we have some time without alcohol, that physical withdrawal is over, the mental fog starts to clear a little bit, and if you are doing some intentional, purposeful work to be a sober person, that bear is starting to lose control. He’s losing his grip on you and you are making your own choices now.

Once you get a few weeks, a few months- you have made the choice a million times to not take a drink- so you know you’re capable.

You have also made a million other choices like seeking out podcasts, going to meetings, reading books, getting a Coach- you are making choices every day. And this is where I get confused when people say they ‘hope’ they don’t relapse. Why ‘hope’? You don’t ‘hope’, you DECIDE.

One of the greatest mindfucks of sobriety is indecision.

Let’s talk about this for a minute because I hear so many people over the years, say they quit drinking for a little while, so they could learn how to drink like a ‘normal’ person.

First of all, there’s nothing normal about those people. Just because they don’t drink like fools does not make them normal. They’re all a damn mess, just like you and me. Being a mess is just part of the human condition. We’re all a hot damn mess.

However, when you tell yourself that you don’t have to quit drinking entirely, or someday you’re going to be able to control it, or you’re going to learn how to just drink beer or wine and no hard alcohol, or you’re only going to drink on the weekends or after 5pm or only on special occasions…. All you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.

You’re a living in indecision which allows the bear to stay awake, calculating his perfect moment, to take you down.

The truth is, when you are trying to control something, it’s because you’ve already lost control. And that is the crux of alcoholism and addiction. It’s not how much you drink or how often you drink, it’s the loss of control when you drink.

It doesn’t matter if you only drink once a year if on that one occasion you get crazy and blackout and end up running down the street naked or get in a bar fight or get a DUI.

It doesn’t matter if it takes you 3 drinks or 30 to get there. The fact is, you’re there.

So when you take a break from alcohol, or take a step back, it’s because you’ve already lost control. Those are the phrases I used, btw. I took a break once for 30 days, and I took a step back once for 60 days.

Both times, I told myself I’d be able to control it after having a break, and both times I came back and drank worse than ever.