It’s Not Your Drinking, It’s Your Thinking

It’s a daily struggle

You feel like you are never enough. Not only do you have to eliminate alcohol from your life, but you have to learn how to think in a way that is more supportive of your new sober life.

In one of our online recovery meetings the other day one of our members said she knows whatever her first thought is, it’s usually wrong. She said she has come to terms with the fact that when she recognizes her first thought in a situation, she automatically does the opposite. 

It’s so true. I was the same way in the beginning. 

You have heard me tell the story of my early sobriety when someone approached me at a meeting and invited me to a girls dinner with several ladies from AA.

I was about two weeks sober and scared to death. 

I’m an introvert and I had major social anxiety so this was not something in my comfort zone. And when I was new, my anxiety was unbearable.  The only places I wanted to be were home, and my AA group. 

She invites me to this dinner, I don’t know anyone, and the committee in my head immediately says,  “Hell no! We’re not doing that!” 

And the second I recognized the thought, I knew I had to do it.

I looked at her, my brain was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!", and I said, “Yeah, I’d love to!” 

I went to the restaurant that evening and sat in my car crying in the parking lot.

I was uncomfortable, my anxiety was so high I felt like I could barely breathe, and every fiber of my being wanted to go home. To the safety of my comfort zone.

But I knew I had to break through. I knew that however I handled things in my drinking life could not be the same in my sober life. I had to do everything differently.

Even though my anxiety was crazy, and the committee was begging to leave and giving me every rationalization in the world as to why it was okay for me to leave, I knew I had to go in, and I did.  

So why is it that our first response is usually 'wrong'?

Why is it that we want to numb and treat every discomfort, from boredom to sadness, with booze? 

And why doesn’t it change when we stop drinking?

You know drinking is the problem, so why doesn’t everything become super simple when you stop?

Stinking Thinking 

It's your thinking.

In active addiction/alcoholism, we are compulsive, impulsive, unhealthy, codependent and insecure. We live for instant gratification. 

Instant gratification of using alcohol to numb our feelings, extinguish anxiety, take away fear and pain, make us funny and spontaneous.

And when we function from those places, we make decisions for all the wrong reasons. 

Sound familiar?

We function from a place of instant gratification doing what feels good now, rather than what is actually good for ourselves and our future. 

Our motives are off.

Most of us spent years living like that, training our brains to react a certain way, choose the date because the attention feels really good right now even though you see there are some red flags and you may even know it's not a good fit. But you need the hit right now. So you do it.

I needed that instant gratification

Ladies, you will totally get this,  I can’t tell you how many items of clothing I have purchased in my life that weren’t even my size, or they were a color that I didn’t love, or it didn’t fit exactly right but I justified buying it because it was on sale and I told myself maybe I would wear it... I could find something to wear it with... but NO! I just wanted that little high of instant gratification from buying something!

Are you with me?? It’s so silly!

Instant Gratification

We do this in so many ways,  getting into relationships or getting married even when there are a thousand red flags because we want the instant gratification of how good it feels right now. 

Driving to an AA meeting and sitting in the parking lot, too afraid to go in, and you leave because the instant gratification of getting back to your comfort zone is all you want in that moment. 

Or, avoiding a tough conversation with your kids or your boss or your partner because you don’t want them to be upset with you or have a fight. The instant gratification of feeling good and safe and getting along is more important than having a difficult conversation.

You end up keeping everything inside, not advocating for yourself, not telling your kids or partner or boss what you need, then you end up miserable and resentful, and want to blame everyone else. 

Enough is enough, my friends.  It's time to make a change.

Impulsive and compulsive

How about that yummy food or dessert we love to partake in so often?

Instant gratification.

Because you know you don’t feel great after you have it. If I am having too many sweet treats in a week, I do not feel good about it because I know I’m being impulsive and compulsive. 

Not to mention the physical and emotional effects of those foods and choices. 

Just like drinking. Instant gratification. 

You get uncomfortable, you want the feelings to go away, you want the committee to shut the F up, and drink is the fastest route to freedom. 

But only in that instant, definitely not long-term.

You are going to wake up the next day feeling like a failure, hating yourself, wondering what the F is wrong with you that you can’t get control of this thing. Then comes the shame spiral.

In those moments of contemplating a drink, the decision really is about what kind of life you want for yourself. Do you want a life you love, being a person you are proud of? Or do you want a life you hate where you are berating and cursing yourself all day everyday?

You hear me say it on almost every episode; micro-decisions.

Your life, your reality is a collection of the tiny split-second decisions you make a hundred times a day. 

Be sad, or take action to counteract the sadness.

Sit in anxiety, or look for relief.

Feel overwhelmed, or call someone and talk through it.

Obsess over drinking or not drinking, or go to a meeting and get love and support from like-minded people.

Do things to grow your recovery, or get complacent and watch it vanish. 

Each moment is a choice, and what you have to practice is not getting caught up in the instant gratification because instant is almost never the best choice.

Fear plays a huge role in this, too. It’s okay to have fear, what you want to practice is having fear, and moving forward anyway. That’s courage. 

Instant gratification is a trap because it keeps you in your comfort zone.

And, if you are anything like me, my comfort zone was drunk.

Drunk, crippled by fear, held hostage by instant gratification and lacking the ability to escape because drinking made me weak.

I just didn’t have the strength or mental capacity to figure out how to get out of there. 

In my sobriety, on the other hand, I get to regain my mental clarity so I can see things in a new way and I can begin to challenge myself to take actions that feel very scary but know I can get through it, and know that I will be okay. 

It knows it is losing control of you.

Man, addiction hates that, lol.

It hates when you believe in yourself and trust yourself because it knows it is losing control of you, losing power over you. 

Your initial thoughts aren’t usually wrong because something is wrong with you. They are usually wrong because we are used to making decisions based on the wrong motives.

You make your life choices based on comfort, instant gratification, and fear.

Well, that’s a pretty shitty criterion, honestly. 

Delayed Gratification

One of the ways I started making this shift is thinking about everything in delayed gratification. The greatest feelings in life come with delayed gratification. 

Think about it , the things you most appreciate are probably the things that you had to work for, plan for, study for.

You had to be committed and dedicated for that big purchase like your house or dream car or handbag. Maybe you really had to work hard and follow a budget and save money to afford what you wanted. But you did it, and it felt good!

Start thinking about this in every area of your life, when your drinking friends invite you out and you know you will be uncomfortable and it will trigger you, SAY NO. 

Instant gratification makes you want to say yes because you want to be with your friends, you want to feel included and cared about, you want to do something exciting and not be bored, but you know better. 

Go for the delayed gratification.

The feeling that will come the next morning when you wake up and feel good, not hungover, and you are proud of yourself for taking initiative, making a healthy choice, and protecting yourself. 

That’s self love.

Building self-esteem and learning to care for yourself means you do the things that are right for you, not what feels good in the moment, but what is best for you as a human.

That means sometimes I stay home, give myself a facial and binge-watch Tiger King instead of meeting my drinking friends at a bar, or scheduling client calls, or working on my website. 

I love doing all those things and, when I feel my battery dying, I have to recharge. And that is my responsibility to recognize when I need to recharge and to make it happen.

When you catch yourself being impatient or snippy it’s usually because you aren’t getting what you want.

It’s not going fast enough, it’s not happening when you want it to, you have to wait and you don’t like that, people won’t do what you want them to or act the way you want them to or say the things you want them to...

At the core of all of this is instant gratification and selfishness, I want what I want when I want it. 

Practice being okay with things as they are. Practice being okay not getting your way in every situation. 

Practice acceptance that things aren’t going to go your way, and they aren’t supposed to.

It is not the world’s responsibility to make sure you get what you want exactly the way you want it.

Getting what you want for the long-term means making healthy and stable choices in your life each day. 

Don’t get caught up in instant gratification.

Don’t spend your money on the new jeans then be panicked and pissed off when you don’t have money for your phone bill.

When you really want the new jeans, think it through, think about the consequences of that decision a week or two weeks down the road. Think about how badly you will feel when you are in a panic about the phone bill and having to run around like a crazy person trying to come up with $100 and possibly having to borrow money from someone. 

Been there done that, and that definitely doesn’t feel good. 

If you want a drama-free life then you have to make drama-free choices.

I pay my bills on time now because I don’t want to be in a panic and feel all that angst and shame of being late because I blew my money like an irresponsible kid. 

Because that’s what I used to do. Over and over and over. 

Of course, I didn’t have a healthy self-esteem behaving like that. I was just jumping around my life from one instant gratification thing to the next. 

I wasn’t making smart choices for myself or thinking things through, I was chasing the high. 

Whether it was a handbag, a guy, a trip, a new car, a drink, it was all moment to moment with no plan. 

When I got the ability to slow down and start to see how being impulsive was not serving me, that’s when I got to start making better choices. 

That’s when I could see that the guys I liked were not the healthiest choice for me, even though the fun and lust and infatuation felt great in the moment. I always ended up sad because I didn’t choose good people and, in the end, I always ended up back at square one, alone. 

I started to see the value in paying the bills on time because I got to live without the stress and embarrassment of being irresponsible. 

Bill collectors destroy my serenity.

If I want serenity and comfort with no drama, I pay my bills on time and make better choices. 

Does this all make sense?

Instant gratification can also be avoidance.

Avoid the elephant in the room, don’t face it, don’t talk about it because it doesn’t feel good, don't take the call because you feel anxious and you don't want to deal with it right now. 

But it creates consequences instead of rewards. 

And you know what addiction loves?

It loves it when you feel shitty because you made some crappy decisions and created some consequences for yourself. Because when you feel bad, it knows it can prey on you.

Feeling bad and embarrassed and ashamed make you vulnerable, and alcohol needs you to be vulnerable so it can lure you back in. 

Take Action Today

Here’s what I want you to do today, think about 1 or 2 ways you fall into the instant gratification trap over and over again. 

Maybe it’s with dating, maybe it’s with money, maybe it’s with shopping, and maybe it’s being fearful and staying in your unhealthy little comfort zone. 

Identify a couple of specific actions you take that are instant gratification, then think about what action you can take to do that differently. 

Think about the rewards of making healthy choices and how good you will feel.

Think about the smile on your face when you get up the next morning knowing you made a kick-ass decision that was the best decision for you and you DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER! 

Think about how strong you feel when you protect yourself, speak up for yourself, and protect your sobriety. 

Then go do that!

Make a commitment to do that. Be 100% committed to your decision.

How I handled my life and made decisions as a drinking person is NOT how I want to handle my life as a sober person. 

How about you?