If I Had To Start All Over From Day One

I’m your coach, Angela Pugh- Helping you get that sober life you want. 

What would I do if I was starting sobriety from day one and desperately needed to feel better fast. 

I was walking with my girlfriend the other day and when I say walk I mean an exercise walk, 5 miles, huge inclines, not a leisurely walk.  So we were walking and talking through some business stuff. 

If you guys have seen any of my FB live videos recently you know I have been a bit grumpy. Coronavirus dragging me down, a lot of business stuff going on, employees not working out, trying to figure out next steps and it’s all even more overwhelming now because of the quarantine, we are not working under a normal set of circumstances. 

And I’ve been a grumpy jerk. Finally, I started to come out of it, I got clarity on a few things, I got into action and figured out solutions to some of my struggles and I started to look back over the journey of the last couple of years. 

It reminds me a lot of my sobriety. I was totally committed, I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I continued to take steps every single day toward my goal and I let it unfold in front of me and I took direction. 

I’m so grateful I didn’t give up

What would I do if I was starting sobriety from day one and desperately needed to feel better fast?

If you are sitting in early sobriety or in a rut in your recovery, this is the conversation for you. I thought it would be super helpful to give you the real deal, no BS, no fluff on what sober life activities you should focus on if you want to start feeling better as fast as possible. 

Building sustainable sobriety takes hard work and consistency

Listen, I love you guys. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, I’m going, to be honest with you. Building sustainable sobriety takes hard work and consistency. And I know in the beginning it’s not super fun, it feels hard, you don’t know exactly what to do, and you are spinning your wheels. 

So I’m sharing with you what I did to start putting together my first few days and months of sobriety in hopes that it helps you start stringing together your own days, weeks, and months. 

As you know, I had a lot of challenges when I got sober.  I was physically broken from my car accident, I had no money and all my bills were due, and I had a ton of legal trouble hanging over my head. I didn’t really know about treatment, but I knew I had to do something because sitting around my apartment obsessing about my self-created drama was definitely not going to get me sober. 

I had no money, no coach, no motivation. I couldn’t even get off the couch for several days. All I knew, like so many people, was AA. 

I didn’t know anything about AA, all I knew was that was where people went when they didn’t want to drink anymore, and I needed to be a person who didn’t drink anymore. I had no direction or guidance, but I had a desire to be a sober person. 

And that desire is what drove me to show up every day for myself. This wasn’t about anyone but me. 

Of course, there is my family and the people that love me. It’s nice NOT to be the fucked up one in the family anymore, it’s nice to be liked and respected and it’s nice that everybody doesn’t roll their eyes the minute I walk in the room because they know I will suck up all the energy. 

But I wasn’t doing it for them. I was doing it for me. Because I was tired of feeling like a loser. I was tired of being a piece of shit. Not feeling like a POS, but being a POS. Because my actions and my choices on a daily basis were those of a shitty person. 

I was exhausted. 

I was so worn out from trying to keep up with myself, it kind of felt like I was a moving target, even for myself. 

I couldn’t sit still. I think because I was so uncomfortable with myself.  I didn’t like me, I had zero respect for me, and the last thing I wanted to do was sit still and engage with the committee, you know what I’m saying. 

It’s like the moment you relax, the committee kicks in and it’s usually the anxiety voice that kicks in first for me telling me about all the things I have to worry about and all the things I don’t know what to do about. 

Then it’s the self-esteem voice telling me all the things I did wrong or telling me how weak I am and telling me I can’t do it, it’s too hard, it’s overwhelming, you won’t be successful. 

Will anyone I love support me?

Then it’s the insecurity voice, will I be okay, will anyone I love support me, will my friends not like me anymore, will I fail and disappoint myself again?

And those are just a few of the voices but when I sat still, those voices were loud and clear. 

And this is what I mean when I tell you guys to stay busy, and don’t sit around spending quiet time with the committee. You have to do things to distract the committee, you have to be taking in other material so it has something to talk about so it doesn’t turn on you. 

This is the first thing I want to talk about. If I was starting over from day one, the first thing I would work on is my head. The committee. 

And I think, inadvertently, I did this in a couple of ways. 

One, I knew for a long time that I needed to quit drinking so all the thoughts about it were swirling around in my head for a while. I was thinking about it, mulling it over, kind of getting used to the idea. And I had taken a couple of breaks from drinking which further proved I needed to quit for good because both times I started drinking again I actually drank worse than when I took my break! 

So the thoughts of sobriety had been floating around in my head for some time. Also, before I went to my first meeting I had been laid up in the house for a week contemplating my life and what the F I was doing. 

I crashed my car on a Wednesday at like 1 am, got home from the hospital around 7 am, laid around Wed, Thurs, Fri- detoxing and dealing with my whole face being busted up, then I drank again Friday night. 

After my car accident, I knew I never wanted to drink again. I was so angry at myself, I was so distraught and humiliated and scared to death. I knew I was done with drinking. But I let some people talk me into going out that Friday night. We had bought concert tickets several weeks before, obviously having no idea I was going to crash and quit drinking and they wanted me to still go to the concert. 

I should also say, these were not friends. They were not people I knew well that I spent a lot of time with it was a guy that I think I kind of liked, or I was thinking about liking him, maybe, I don’t remember exactly but it was him, who was a friend of a friend, and his cousin and his wife.  Honestly you guys, I can’t even tell you these people’s names. 

And I want to be clear about that because it was the first mistake I made in this series of decisions. I was going to hang out with people who didn’t care about me we weren’t friends, they didn’t care about my best interests, right? It was all about having fun. 

I thought they would understand I wasn’t drinking because I just had this horrible accident. But that didn’t turn out to be the case. And it’s a crazy story, I felt trapped, I didn’t drive myself so I had no way to leave, I was an hour from home so a cab wasn’t an option, I had already burned all the bridges of my friends picking me up at the hospital or police station, and I was an hour away so they definitely weren’t going to come to rescue me again so far away and Uber didn’t exist so that wasn’t an option. 

I felt trapped, they wanted me to drink, I didn’t know what to do, I was stuck with them for the next several hours and I didn’t want it to be horrible and uncomfortable and of course, I had zero coping skills, and I was so insecure and codependent I didn’t want to make everyone else uncomfortable by me not drinking so in a split second, instant gratification decision, I decided to drink. And I knew it was my last night drinking for the rest of my life. And I drank like a lunatic.

This is exactly the scenario I warn you about with social situations. I did a holiday episode about staying sober during the holidays and in social situations and I gave you guys a checklist of all the things to do to protect your sobriety in these situations and that night, I did not protect myself at all. 

I was not prepared and that left me vulnerable, and, as usual, alcohol won. 

Alcohol will always win if you aren’t prepared. 

If you don’t protect yourself, don’t expect other people to protect you, it’s not their responsibility, it’s yours. You protect you. Stop being passive and trying to make it other people’s job to do the work for you,  it’s no one’s responsibility to do or say things to make sure you are comfortable or to accommodate you, it’s nice if they do, but it’s not their place. It’s your place to make sure you are comfortable, it’s your place to decline invitations to places or events that may not be the best spot for you. 

So, after that night, I was so disappointed in myself and I was super disappointed in the people I hung out with because I couldn’t believe they let me drink. Like it was their job to worry about my sobriety. I was so ridiculous and immature. 

I also felt extremely unsafe. Because I had foolishly thought that this small group of virtual strangers I was with would support me in not drinking, and that’s not what happened, I felt very distrusting of people. 

And I had a week to lay around my house detoxing and letting my face heal a little bit, that I was thinking only about being sober. 

I never wanted another drink. I was angry at alcohol, I was angry at how out of control it made me, I was angry that it was okay killing me like, alcohol didn’t care if I died. And I knew it was my #1 enemy. 

So when I say the first thing I would do is work on my head, this is what I mean. Get clear in your head, about what you are doing. I mean think about it, journal about it, have a conversation with the committee, and tell it what you are doing and how you are doing it. 

Be resolute in your decision. No BS. Make a commitment. 

And part 2 of starting with your head is starting to change all the negative thoughts. When you want to tell yourself how hard it’s going to be, or how awful it’s going to be, or you’ll never have fun again, or your friends won’t be your friends anymore. When you hear your head telling you that meetings are weird and you’re not as bad as those people and life will suck without alcohol or what will you do at your wedding without alcohol or on your birthday or on NYE - you have to turn all this sh*t around and stop torturing yourself. 

First of all, if it sucked to be sober there wouldn’t be millions of sober people all over the world. Like, obviously we’re doing okay. If AA was so terrible, there wouldn’t be tens of millions of members across the globe. Stop trying to degrade AA because you’re scared. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not AA's fault and it’s not AA's responsibility to make you comfortable. Stop hiding behind all your drama. 

Secondly, grow up. It’s time to be an adult and have an adult life.

It’s time to get it together, it’s time to be able to face your problems and get through them instead of hiding in the bottom of a bottle. It’s time to be a partner to your partner and a real parent to your kids. It’s time to be present in your life, it’s time to find yourself and get to know who you really are and what you really enjoy doing, it’s time to start making choices you are proud of rather than making choices that were somewhat appropriate in our 20s, but definitely aren’t appropriate beyond that. 

Grow up. And I don’t care how old you are, if drinking is the only thing you can come up with to have fun then you are basically stuck at 21. 

And that’s way more embarrassing to me than being sober. There is nothing more embarrassing than a bunch of 30, 40, or 50 somethings behaving like they are 20 something. Stuck in instant gratification, just like we are when we are kids, this is our biggest complaint about teenagers, yet we want to continue the behavior well into adulthood. 

It’s time to grow up. 

When the committee is being negative, immediately turn it around into something positive. And I mean, spend all day in your head turning those thoughts around. When the committee starts complaining about traffic, make yourself say 3 positive things about that moment, I’m so grateful I have a great radio to listen to, I’m so glad I don’t drive like that person, what a great luxury to have a car and not have to walk. Bam. Three positive things probably took 6 seconds. 

Do this all day. If you catch yourself complaining about chores, say 3 positive things. Like, I don’t like unloading the dishwasher but man am I grateful I don’t have to hand wash every dish! And I’m so glad I have a really nice kitchen to be in and super grateful I have stores where I can get whatever I want and save money at the same time. 

How about if your partner is annoying you? First, remind yourself that you love that person, then remind yourself that you are also annoying to them, and then have a moment of gratitude that you can recognize this and still love each other. Then, make a mental note to do something thoughtful for your person tomorrow. 

Your kids pissed you off today? Think about how grateful you are to have them, because many people don’t get to, even when they really want to. Think about how funny and kind they can be, and go tell them something you appreciate about them. 

I just gave you a lot of stuff to think about. But it starts in your head. If the committee is telling you that going to a meeting is going to be terrible, then tell the committee it has no idea what it’s talking about because those rooms are full of really funny and incredible people. Those are the strongest people you will ever meet. 

Remember how strong you are

If it is telling you to doubt yourself, you won’t be able to do it, you aren’t strong enough, you’ve never been able to do it before so why would now be any different -then think about a few of the hardest times in your life that you got through. Maybe it was a financial situation or a divorce, maybe it was a death that broke your heart in a thousand pieces- and remember how strong you are and that you survived those incredibly difficult situations, and you can totally do this. 

Tell the committee what a mess I was, and if I can do, I promise you you can do it. 

Start to see your new life in your head show the committee the picture of you walking into a meeting and smiling and saying hello to someone, pouring a cup of coffee, feeling the anxiety that we all have, but knowing you can get through it, it’s okay to be uncomfortable, it’s okay to have anxiety and remind the committee that every single person has experienced the same thing. 

I was terrified walking into my first meeting. Then I realized they are just people. No different from the people you see at your kid’s school or at church, no different than the people you are in line with at the store or the bank, or next to you in your yoga class. We are just people. Just like you. 

You get what I’m saying? Turn your thoughts around first. Because your attitude is what is the deciding factor in your success in anything. 

If you believe you CAN do something, you absolutely can. And if you believe you CAN’T, then you won’t. 

Find A Tribe

Next thing I would do, find a tribe. It is so important you have a tribe to be connected to. We talked about this in a recent episode, too. Like-minded people want to hang around like-minded people. 

I like to hang out with other entrepreneurs because we have the same struggles and can help each other. I like to hang out with other dog parents and other single people because we can connect. Alcoholics are my favorite people because we are so strong and brave, we are funny and crazy smart and we are colorful and kind and generous people. 

Find your tribe of non-drinking people. Wherever they are, I don’t care, but find them and put some energy into connecting with them. Build relationships, give of yourself, share yourself. 

For me, in the beginning, I went to meetings. I went to a lot of meetings. I went to different meetings all over my city. I met people in those groups, we would hang out, we would meet at meetings, and we would meeting hop together. Meeting hopping is just like bar hopping, you just go explore different places. 

Like everyone else, in my early sobriety, I was very insecure and uncomfortable with myself and I was a person who seeked attention and approval from others, I needed other people to make me feel better about myself because if other people liked me, it made me hate myself a little less. 

So, many of the people I hung around in my first several months of sobriety weren’t lifelong friends we were supportive friends to one another in one of the most difficult times of our lives. That’s what I needed in the beginning. I needed a tribe that was centered on sobriety because sobriety was my ONLY priority. 

The Number One Thing: Make A Commitment

And this brings me to the number one thing, make a commitment. From day one, they said 90 meetings in 90 days. It sounded ridiculous. But I agreed because I knew if I wanted to be successful in this, I had to do everything different from how I would normally do it. 

So drunken me, was lazy and would never commit to anything other than drinking. Which is why I knew it was important for me to do the exact opposite of that. So I committed to 90 meetings in 90 days. 

It takes 90 days to create a lifestyle.  It takes however many days they say to break a habit or create a new habit, but it takes 90 days to create a lifestyle. Make a commitment, be resolute in your decision, make it the number one most important thing in your every day, and do it. 

Next, change your environment. 

Whatever stage of sobriety you are in, I want you to get rid of all your drinking paraphernalia, all your glasses, beer mugs, wine glasses, bottle openers, koozies, whatever you have laying around to accommodate your drinking life needs to go straight to the garbage or give it away. 

Then I want you to buy yourself a fresh new set of glasses that are specifically for your fresh new alcohol-free life and find a fresh beverage you love that doesn’t have alcohol and create a new ritual. 

Now, when you open your cabinets, you are reminded of your new life instead of your old one. And when you open your refrigerator you see your new beverage for your new life instead of seeing the crap that drags you back toward your old life. 

Then, go into whatever room you drank in and rearrange the furniture. Make it a NEW room to support your NEW lifestyle. If you sat in a certain chair, then move it to a new spot in the room, put new pillows on the couch or hang new draperies. Paint the whole damn room and move everything, if you can. 

We want your brain to know, the moment it enters that room, that we are doing something different. We aren’t falling back into old patterns. 

If you took a drinking cup in your car, throw it out. You can get a new travel cup. Then put a new air freshener in your car or get something cute to go in the cup holder, make it new. 

The next thing I think is super important is to have fun. This is extra challenging right now because many of our rituals and things we normally do have been taken from us. It’s no surprise that many of us are starting to lose our minds a bit. 

This is a part of recovery that is wayyyyyy overlooked, you have to have fun. If my sobriety sucks, I won’t stay sober. It’s just that simple. 

And, fun isn’t going to look the same in sobriety. 

It’s going to look a bit different. You are going to have to try new things, try different things, try different activities with different people. 

Go for a walk with your family, take some inexpensive courses online to learn something you are interested in, go to movies with friends, here’s one thing I just started, I printed some new recipes and I have made a commitment to trying one new recipe a week. 

I want to eat more nutritious foods but my knowledge is limited and what I find is I only know a handful of healthy things to eat and I get frustrated and I get bored with the same old stuff all the time and I set myself up for failure. 

This is what I mean when I say put some time into it. So I put some time into it and sat down with Google and found some new meals to try. 

Maybe you want to learn photography, go on YouTube, and learn. It will teach you everything. 

Maybe you want some new workouts, Google it.

Maybe you want to redecorate your living room or bedroom, go online and look at pictures and see what you like. When you find rooms you like, save the pictures on your computer so you can reference back to them. Start looking around for deals on the items you want. 

What interests you? Do you want to learn a new language? Build a website? Start a new business? Look for a new job? Tutor other people in something you are really smart in? Guitar lessons? Painting? Training for a marathon? Book club? Online book club? 

Find things you like to do, or want to try, and go do them! And invite people to do them with you!

Create fun! Do not sit in your house and do nothing, and be pissed off that you are bored! No one is going to show up at your door and offer you a life in a box.

So this is my shortlist, and I bet most of you aren’t doing most of these things. Let’s recap.

Start with your head. Get your thoughts in order, get the committee in order. Sign up for the Mindset Makeover to get your energy up and your thoughts strong. I’ll link it in the show notes. 

Get clear in your head about what you want, make a decision, and commit to it. Stop f’ing around. 

Next, find a tribe. People you can connect with, people you can laugh with, people who will support you when you aren’t able to support yourself. We are human beings, we will have ups and downs. Some days I feel great, some days I want to hide under my bed. That’s the nature of life.

On the days I want to hide under my bed, it’s super important that I have a tribe to remind me that there are no solutions under my bed. Maybe we meet for coffee and have some laughs, maybe we go for a walk. 

But when I don’t have my own energy to fuel me, I have to have somewhere to get energy. And that’s with my tribe. Like our FB group. I will link that in the show notes, too. 

Next, change your environment. This is a game-changer. Get rid of your old life drinking crap and start creating an environment to support your new alcohol-free life. 

And last, have fun. Create fun in your life. Do not complain about being bored. My sponsor told me if I’m bored it’s because I’m being boring. And he was exactly right. 

I wanted to lay around on my couch all day smoking cigarettes with the curtains closed, and then I wondered why I didn’t feel great and there was nothing to do. It’s so ridiculous when I look back on it now. Like I really thought everything was going to show up at my door like a life and fun delivery service. So silly. 

Okay my friends, let’s do this. This is a great few things to focus on for the next couple of months. Get good at these, be accountable when you catch yourself being a little lazy, get re-engaged. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes practice. So catch yourself, have a quick conversation with the committee about being better at whatever piece is slipping, and start doing it. 

And for those of you in the Sober Society, I hope to see you at one of our online recovery meetings this week and we’ve got some great bonus content coming up in there! 

Here's the link to the Mindset Makeover series - I look forward to meeting you!

Click here to join our super supportive Facebook group!

I hope you are having a fantastic day!