5 Truths You Must Accept to Battle Addiction

Hey everybody, welcome to episode #89 of the Addiction Unlimited Podcast- I’m your Coach, Angela Pugh. Helping you get that clean and sober life you want.

Thank you for hanging out with me today, I hope your new year has been awesome so far. I’ve been thinking about you guys and wondering how many of you took some time to write down your new year intentions.

Most of my sessions in December and January are exactly this.  I work with a lot of people who do not have addiction struggles, too, and those clients have definitely been lining up to get their intentions on paper and get a process in place to make sure they can achieve everything they want this year.

And, many of my clients with addiction have been doing the same. And some of those who are really early in sobriety we’ve been working on focusing on those micro-decisions and small victories, and also plugging in some non-drinking rewards in life. And all of that stuff is just part of my process of coaching people for maximum success and making it super easy to achieve.

This ties in to our topic today- 5 Truths You Must Accept to Battle Addiction- because, to be effective in this battle, you have to get clear on what the F you’re doing. If you are serious about making progress in anything, you have to get clear on your vision and have a plan, and it really needs to be on paper.

My first lesson in the importance of writing things down was with my sponsor. He made me write everything out before I called him to complain or vent about anything. And literally, when I called him, the first thing he asked me is, “Did you write it out?” and if my answer was no, he would just hang up.

So I would go write it out and, of course, I would feel a thousand times better, and I called him back.

That may sound a bit harsh to you- but I knew he wasn’t being mean, or unkind in any way. He was asking me to do something good and healthy for myself. And when he became my sponsor he told me that this was a part of his process, and I agreed to that and committed to doing that work. All he was doing was holding me accountable to what I already committed to. This was a huge piece of my growth and a habit I have continued for all these years.

He was teaching me self-care and personal responsibility and how to take small actions to bring myself relief. He wasn’t enabling me, he was making me follow through on my commitment.  

I had to learn to be independent, rather than codependent. Because I was being lazy and not writing it out, or I wanted instant gratification by calling him and having him solve all my problems for me that creates dependence. I couldn’t be codependent and depend on him to give me relief- I had to learn to do things to solve my own problems, to depend on myself to understand who I am and do the necessary things to feel better.

If he would have enabled me and took my calls without making me follow through with my responsibilities then I would have continued to be lazy, not learn how to care for myself, and I would have depended on him to solve everything for me.

But he gave me the tools, and he expected me to stand on my own and to do the things I said I would do. He made me be responsible for myself and my actions.

And I want you to think about this carefully- because you want to get sober and stay sober- you want your anxiety to stop driving you crazy, you want to stop worrying, you want to understand what your future will look like, you want all your relationships to get better, you want to feel better- but you want it to happen instantly without doing any work or being uncomfortable.

And there is no magic wand that I can wave and make all your troubles go away- If I could do the work for everyone and make everyone sober and happy instantly, I would do it. I promise I would.

But as we live in reality, it doesn’t work that way. There is no one big action you can take to be magically fixed- it’s a series of small actions, it’s being committed to doing what’s right for you, doing the things that make you feel good about yourself, that bring you relief- it’s in those tiny micro-decisions we make hundreds of times a day, like deciding to write it out instead of looking for the shortcut and looking for something or someone to give you the relief you want.

When you want to feel better and feel better about yourself and your life, you are the only one that can do that work and make it happen. When we are codependent we rely on others to make us feel better.  

Now, fast forward a bit , when I was in college- I don’t remember what part of college because I’ve studied a lot of things- but probably when I was studying neuro-psychology or human psychology, or maybe behavior psych- I don’t know- but anyway, I learned that writing things out is actually its own therapeutic process. It is very healing and a great way to process through things.

Then fast forward from there- throughout my coaching career, as I progressed and trained more, learned more coaching techniques and high level achievement, I started learning the importance of writing down your plan or vision or goals.

I read this on inc.com- You are 42 percent more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down. Writing your goals down not only forces you to get clear on what, exactly, it is that you want to accomplish, but doing so plays a part in motivating you to complete the tasks necessary for your success.

That’s HUGE! And probably the first micro-decision that most people F up, lol. That little tiny decision to take 10 minutes to put it on paper or to blow it off and just keep it in your head- you’re already setting yourself up for failure.

You know I am all about micro-decisions and I’m all about creating huge changes in life in only 10-15 minutes a day. That’s it! If you can commit to taking action just 10-15 minutes per day you will be blown away at how much you can accomplish and how much you can change yourself, your feelings, and your life. It’s proven stuff my friends, you can’t argue with science and research.

You don’t even have to commit to 10-15 at one time- do 5 minutes in the morning, 5 at lunch, and 5 before bed.

So all of that being said, I wanted to lay some groundwork for you, for those of you who are really ready to stop F’ing around and get serious about making some changes, I wanted you to know from the start that taking pen to paper is your best bet.

You can get a pen and paper, and take everything we talk about today, and spend 10 tiny minutes putting your thoughts on paper or listing some intentions so you are clear and ready to achieve.

And, so you don’t have to take notes or worry about coming back later and listening again when you can take notes- I’ve already done it for you at www.myrecoverytoolbox.com/blog. This episode is in written form with all 5 things highlighted for your convenience, and I will link that in the show notes also so you can get there right from your podcast app at www.myrecoverytoolbox.com/blog.

If you are on the email list, I will send this link out to the whole email list so you can just click one link and have it all at your tiny little sober fingertips.

Okay? Now let’s get into today’s topic- 5 Truths You Must Accept to Beat Addiction

1 Addiction is not a weakness-Friends, I AM NOT WEAK. And I’m saying that in all caps- I AM NOT WEAK. I am an addict, through and through, and that does not make me a weak person. You are not weak because you have alcoholism and you can’t heal yourself with sheer willpower and inner strength. If it worked like that then everybody would get clean and sober with little effort and live happily ever after and we wouldn’t have 14,000 treatment centers in America!

You have to get real about what is happening here and stop focusing on your pride and ego being bruised because you convince yourself it’s a weakness. Put your pride and ego and hurt feelings aside- this isn’t about YOU.

This is about your brain. Addiction changes your brain. I don’t care how big and strong you think you are, you can’t change science. Here’s the brain deal- addiction affects what is called the pleasure center in our brain.

When we make money, have a great meal, a drink, a pill or sex- when happy things happen, your brain releases dopamine for pleasure. Drugs and alcohol cause a flood of dopamine, which is why it feels so good- then, your brain stores that memory as a shortcut to pleasure and creates an automatic response of associating drugs and alcohol with pleasure.

Listen to this- this is from Harvard, it’s an older article but it explains it so clearly I wanted to use pieces of it-

Repeated exposure to an addictive substance or behavior causes nerve cells in the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in planning and executing tasks) to communicate in a way that couples liking something with wanting it, in turn driving us to go after it. That is, this process motivates us to take action to seek out the source of pleasure.

Now, I don’t know how strong you think you are- but if you believe you can jump in there and get your neurotransmitters to behave differently and get all those chemical responses to do it your way- then you aren’t human.

This process has nothing to do with your strength or weakness, it’s science!

And, to me, this is what we mean in AA when we talk about powerlessness- This is a brain illness, changes the process in your brain, you have no control over it. The word ‘powerless’ doesn’t mean I’m weak and powerless in my life, it means there is a process happening inside of me that I have no power over.

This is how it makes sense to me. Other people may view it a little differently- but I assure you I am not weak and I am not powerless in my life, and neither are you.

If you get stuck in this victim role, playing the victim, feeling sorry for yourself because you think you are weak- what you are actually doing is dodging responsibility. If you can find a way to blame it on something or someone else, then you don’t have to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

I took the actions that created my alcoholism by drinking alcohol for an extended period of time, which caused my brain to be hijacked because alcohol and drugs are poison- okay, truth bomb, I poisoned myself over and over again, you are poisoning yourself. No one else is doing that for you.

I took the actions that created my alcoholism, and now I have to take the actions to create my sobriety.

The problem holding you back isn’t alcoholism or being a weak human- it’s laziness. I truly believe 99% of the problem is laziness. You don’t want to go to meetings of any sort, you don’t want to tell anyone, you don’t want to start a journaling practice, you don’t want to do any exercise, you don’t want to practice re-shaping your mindset, you don’t want to go to treatment, you don’t want to spend any money, you don’t want to take time off work- you don’t want to be uncomfortable or feel bad, you don’t want to do anything.

Alcoholism is not a weakness, however, laziness is. And it’s totally in your power to change it.

Big #2- Loss of control- it doesn’t matter if you drink 3 glasses of wine or a gigantic bottle of vodka- it doesn’t matter if you drink once a year or 12 hours a day. When your drinking or drug use starts bugging you- when you are thinking about it more often, when you recognize you are doing it more than you want to, when you start putting rules around it: like, I’m only going to do it on the weekends, I’ll only drink wine, I only drink after 5pm, I will only drink after the kids are in bed, I will have a glass of water between each cocktail, I’ll only have one drink an hour, I’ll never drink hard alcohol, only beer and wine-

Yada, yada, yada. You know all the rules we try to make and we usually screw that up, too. And I know that because you wouldn’t be listening to a podcast and seeking knowledge, if you were doing it in a healthy way.

You have to get to a place that you understand this is no longer within your control. When you are making those rules and breaking them and disappointing yourself, it’s because you aren’t in control.

When you are trying desperately to control something, it’s because you’ve already lost control.

I bring this up because so many of you want to stop over-drinking, but you don’t want to commit to stopping completely. And this makes me sad, to be honest. Because you have yourself on a merry-go-round where you are just going to go in circles and end up right in the exact spot where you started.

Still drinking too much, still not feeling good about it, still in the battle and doing things that embarrass you and disappoint you and your family and friends. And you will get nowhere because you don’t want to admit you’ve lost control.

Remember, it’s science! You are trying to play a game you can’t win! It’s rigged, inside your brain, for you to lose!

That’s why I say to you all the time you have to make a commitment to stop completely. Because when you have one drink, you set a brain response into action that takes you to the place you don’t want to be.

And that’s not to say that it’s impossible to control it every once in awhile- even I could control my drinking every once in awhile and I’m a raging drunk.

But on those few times I controlled my drinking, there was a lot of energy and planning that went into controlling it. Like I would make sure I didn’t have any alcohol at home, then I would wait until super late to go out so I only had a couple of hours to drink, then I may even have someone else drive so I couldn’t leave early and go to the liquor store.

All of that, just to make sure I didn’t drink too much. Then, I would talk about that one night to everyone! I would tell everyone how great I did, I only had a few drinks, I just wasn’t feeling it- to create  a picture that I was in control, because I knew I wasn’t.

If you know you have lost the control in the situation, stop denying it.

This is a life or death situation, and you have to understand that. I know it has to be difficult for those of you who don’t drink a ton, like I did, to understand that you are in a death trap. But I’m here to tell you, you are.

You have probably already recognized how manipulative addiction is- how it preys on you and it makes you feel bad, it makes you lie and hide things, and it will continue to do that.

If you look closely at your life and the person you are today, I’m sure you can see some differences between you today, and you at the beginning of your drinking. You can probably recognize some changes you aren’t proud of. Changes in your personality, becoming a person who will tell even little white lies when you never used to do that, becoming a person who will have a few drinks and drive your kids when you know that’s not acceptable. Even if you aren’t completely drunk, your reaction time is off your attention is lacking, and your judgment is impaired. Which I think is obvious by the fact that you will have a few drinks and drive your kids. Your judgement is impaired.

Even after only a couple of drinks it’s not a great idea to drive. But we rationalize our actions because we don’t want to give up drinking just to drive.

What I really want you to understand is alcohol and drugs can kill you in a million ways and you don’t have to be all that drunk for it to happen. I can tell you a story of a woman who, after only a few glasses of wine, slipped in the shower and fell through her glass shower door, laying on her bathroom floor bleeding to death.

Or the dads who had a few drinks together while their sons baseball team was playing a game, and they ended up in a fight, one punch was thrown, and as the guy fell to the ground he hit his head on the curb, caused his brain to swell and he died an hour later at the hospital.

These are extreme examples- but I want you to understand that this will kill you. It may be in illness, various cancers that are related to alcohol abuse, seizures in alcohol withdrawal, driving drunk like me, a simple fall down the stairs because you lost your balance, or you get so depressed and sad and disappointed in yourself that you take your own life because you feel like you will never win the battle.

There are a million ways that alcohol can cause you harm, and it has nothing to do with who you are or how much money you have or how great you think your life is.

Understand that addiction is progressive, it will continue to get worse, and it will single-handedly destroy your life if you give it the chance.

I promise you, I never thought I would end up in jail. I’m not a person who goes to jail, I don’t come from a family where jail is ‘normal’. Okay, but there I was. Not because I did anything crazy either- I ended up in jail because I had a DUI and you are not supposed to drink while you are going through the legal system. But, like a good alcoholic, I kept drinking. And I got caught.

So there I was, in jail for a couple of days, because I was so committed to my alcoholism that I wasn’t even willing to give it up to avoid jail! That’s how crazy this is. And I made sure I got my hair done before I went in, and I wore comfortable clothes- and I was sitting in jail in my $300 designer jeans and Louis Vuitton loafers, surrounded by people who were actual criminals.

If you think for a moment, this stuff can’t happen to you, just wait. Because you aren’t in control.

If you recognize you’ve lost control of your drinking, and you don’t get committed to stopping, it will continue to get worse, and it will ruin you or, even worse, kill you.

Numero tres, #3- having a nice life doesn’t mean you can’t be addicted- Addiction doesn’t have a ‘look’.  This is huge. My clients say to me all the time, this is such a common misconception- they can’t understand how they are alcoholic because they don’t ‘look’ like an alcoholic. Or they have a hard time calling themselves an alcoholic because of what that picture looks like to them.

We have a picture in our minds of what an alcoholic or drug addict looks like- and it doesn’t usually look like you. I think most people have a picture of the homeless person or the person who is down on their luck, maybe a young person who isn’t thriving in life being lazy, still living at home, not taking care of their responsibilities.

And maybe that’s the best way to describe it- you tend to think of an addict as someone who isn’t thriving in life or doesn’t have their shit together in some way.

I’ll tell you though, the very first speed addict I ever worked with was a suburban mom, doing carpool to the soccer games every week, she didn’t work, lived in a house that was almost a million dollars, kids went to the best schools- and she was stealing her kids Adderall for energy. For those of you who don’t know, Adderall is a medication commonly prescribed for ADD, and Adderall is speed, btw. It’s one of the most addictive substances on the planet.

Or this wine mommy culture. If you think you are the only mom over-drinking wine, you are sadly mistaken.

I could also tell you about a business owner I worked with once, multi-millionaire, crazy successful business, drove a hundred thousand dollar car, good looking guy, gorgeous wife who is incredibly sweet and kind- and he liked to disappear for days at a time, hiding out in motels smoking crack with prostitutes.

Having a nice life doesn’t mean addiction will skip you. Look at all the celebrities who battle alcoholism and drug addiction and gambling addiction and sex addiction. How many young stars have we seen take their own lives in recent years because the despair and sadness got the best of them.

Demi Lovato didn’t start her addiction with heroin- she probably started having a couple of glasses of wine with dinner or at a party.

Addiction doesn’t discriminate, it takes whoever it wants. Get rid of these ridiculous thoughts that you don’t ‘look’ like an alcoholic or drug addict. Addiction doesn’t have a certain look. You can be rich or poor, tall or short, happy or sad- if it wants you, it will take you.

This brings me to #4- You can’t do it alone- listen, addiction needs a certain set of circumstances in order for it to live and thrive inside of you. It needs you to be isolated and lonely on some level- it needs you to feel bad about yourself and not believe in yourself, it needs you to have secrets that you are hiding, it needs you to be codependent so it can be your savior.

And when I say isolated, I don’t mean that you are never around people or that you are hiding out at home like a hermit. Sometimes that is the case- but for me, I was around people pretty regularly because I was a bartender. And when I wasn’t working, I would go out with my friends. There were definitely times that I was very much alone at home and feeling sad, but for the most part I was around people.

My isolation really was inside of me. Because I isolated myself from true connections, my walls were high and all my friendships were surface level. My friends weren’t real friends, they were drinking friends. So I was isolated in the sense that no one knew who I was on the inside. No one knew my struggles or my sadness- I didn’t share myself with a single person on the planet, not my true self. And when you aren’t connected, on a soul level, with people who love you, you are isolated.

Last one, #5- There is no one path to becoming addicted- some people have major trauma and drink to escape, some people have alcoholic or drug addict parents and they just follow their footsteps, some people have health problems or surgeries and get pain meds and that send them down the road of addiction, and some of us just drink our way right into alcoholism.  And others have mental health struggles that lead them to self-medicate like anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder.

It is not uncommon to start doing something casually and have it eventually spiral out of control. Again, this goes back to the internal scientific process that is taking place in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s two drinks or twenty. If you have them on a regular basis your brain will be hijacked.

Non-alcoholic people do not drink enough to ever think about their drinking. Non-alcoholic people do not think about whether or not there will be alcohol at a gathering they want to attend, they never think about how much alcohol will be there or if they need to bring their own, or if they need to stash some so they don’t run out. Non-alcoholic people do not plan events around alcohol, they do not spend a bunch of money on it, and they don’t put rules on their drinking like we talked about earlier.

And, I promise you, non-alcoholic people will not drink anymore when they do something to embarrass themselves or their families or their partner. If they overdrink one night and do something crazy, they won’t do it again.

If they happen to get a DUI somehow, super rare, but if a non-alcoholic person got a DUI it would be the only one because they will cut drinking out immediately.

It’s only addicted people that will continue partaking in substance even when it is causing us problems.

We keep drinking despite legal troubles, we continue to drink even after we get into horrific fights with our spouses or drive our kids when we’re under the influence or even after we miss an important meeting or family event because we were either drunk or hungover.

Non-alcoholic people never wonder if they are alcoholic. Because they never think about alcohol. And they certainly don’t drink enough to wonder if they are drinking too much.

And just like there is no one path to addiction, there’s also not one path to recovery. There are certain things you HAVE TO do if you want to recover and be free from all the anxiety and drama and heart break of addiction- you have to make a commitment and be diligent in working on yourself even when you don’t feel like it.

You have to understand that we lack the ability to moderate, and that’s why we can’t have just one.

And you have to share, with a few trusted people, exactly who you are and the decision you’ve made. You have to share yourself to create accountability and to get love and support.

Let’s recap before we close-  5 Truths You Must Accept to Battle Addiction

1 Addiction is not a weakness

Big #2- Loss of control

Numero tres, #3 having a nice life doesn’t mean you can’t be addicted

#4- You can’t do it alone

#5- There is no one path to becoming addicted

Again, if you are listening to this and wishing you could take some notes, I’ve already done it for you! You can get it at www.myrecoverytoolbox.com/blog and I will link to that in the show notes so you can get there right from your podcast app!

And for those of you who want more support, and you are ready to take big steps and get off this roller coaster ride of clean then relapse, sober and relapse, making promises to yourself then breaking them- you can always work with me directly and I will link to that in the show notes as well!

References: https://www.inc.com/peter-economy/this-is-way-you-need-to-write-down-your-goals-for-faster-success.html

https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/how-addiction-hijacks-the-brain